Clippings From The Daily Profit
by eggplant
Summary: A review of Molly Weasley's popular book about Harry and a report on Professor Snape's health.
1. Default Chapter Title

[As you probably know Molly Weasley's book has been number one on the   
wizard's best seller list for 27 straight weeks now, but this is the   
first negative review of it I've seen. The Daily Profit people won't be   
happy about having their copyrighted review posted here but they can't   
sue me, my real name isn't eggplant]   
  
BOTTOM OF THE BIRDCAGE   
by Severus Snape *  
  
It seems that anyone who had even a passing acquaintance with the man   
is writing a book about Harry Potter, and people are actually reading   
the silly things too. This dismal avalanche of stale books and the   
unhealthy fascination the wizarding world has for Potter is a   
puzzlement. Far from being the most naturally talented wizard in a   
thousand years as many ludicrously call Harry Potter, his defeat of   
lord Voldamort probably had as much to do with luck as anything else,   
and he didn't even survive the encounter. The latest addition to this   
distressing trend is by Molly Weasley [MY HARRY; Popular Witchcraft   
Press; 236 pages, 5 galleons] Even though both books are about Potter   
and both are flawed nobody could confuse this insipid fluff with the   
scholarly tome written by her daughter in law Hermione Weasley [HARRY'S   
WAR, The Life And Times of Harry Potter; Hogwarts University Press;   
1466 pages, 35 galleons]. At least Molly Weasley makes no pretence of   
being an objective impartial observer of history, she makes it clear   
she was always fond of Mr Potter, and after he was of some assistance   
to her daughter who go into a bit of trouble when she was in her first   
year at Hogwarts, her motherly feelings toward him really went into   
high gear. I'll spare you the boring details.   
  
However the book is not totally without entertainment value, in one   
unintentionally hilarious scene immediately after he finishes the  
Tri-Wizard tournament, mighty heroic Harry Potter is depicted as crying   
like a baby in the arms of Mrs Weasley. It seems that Harry Potter had   
a guilty conscience about the death of Cedric Diggory. Now that's   
interesting, but she does not explore this intriguing revelation in   
greater detail, rather we are treated to page after page of tedious   
preparations for the marriage between Mr. Potter and Mrs Weasley's   
daughter. From reading the book I'm sure Mrs Weasley found these   
activities delightful, but why the author thought anyone else would be   
interested in such an unimportant matter is a mystery, after all it   
never amounted to anything, the marriage only lasted a month. The only   
part of this long boring chapter of any interest is when she overhears   
Potter casually say to her son Ronald that he wants to write a will and   
get married as soon as possible because he doesn't expect to live much   
longer. It seems to me to be the height of irresponsibility to marry   
and father a child if you expected to get killed soon, but Mrs Weasley   
has perversely chosen to interpret this as heroism.  
  
Mrs. Weasley goes on and on page after uninteresting page about  
Mr Potter's death by lord Voldamort and the effect it had on his wife   
and friends, no doubt she was aiming for epic tragedy but what she   
achieved was maudlin claptrap. This dumpy little woman would do well to   
stay in the kitchen and leave the writing of books to those who have an   
aptitude for it.   
  
_______________   
* Severus Snape is the potions master at Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft   
And Wizardry. His book "Manufactured Hero, the Building of the Potter   
Myth" will be published early next year by Slytherin Press.   
  
====================================================================  
[The day after the above review was published I found this report also   
in The Daily Profit, and on page one]  
  
  
STRANGE MALADY AFFLICTS PROFESSOR   
  
Professor Severus Snape was taken ill today as he was giving the first   
of a series of planed public lectures promoting his upcoming book about   
Harry Potter. Ronald Weasley was in the audience at the time and talked   
to reporters. Obviously struggling to keep his voice under control he   
said "It's all so very sad, he had just opened his mouth to start the   
lecture when his tongue started to swell, in less than a minute it was   
4 feet long, then he started running around the stage dragging his   
tongue behind him making this odd little squeaking sound. I just   
happened to have my camera with me at the time and got a shot of it"   
see photo on page 1 "I of course have absolutely no idea what could   
have caused such a thing, I've never seen anything like it before in my   
life. It's a shame, a real shame, my entire family was so looking   
forward to hearing what the professor had to say about Harry. You'll   
have to excuse me now as I wipe a tear from my eye." Mr. Weasley's   
brothers Fred and George were also in the audience but were too   
overcome with emotion to speak to reporters. Doctors say the tongue   
will return to normal size in a day or two but have no explanation of   
why it grew so large. Professor Snape has indicated he has no plans to   
continue lecturing in the immediate future.   
  
  
  



	2. Default Chapter Title

CLIPPINGS FROM THE DAILY PROPHET  
  
Some of you may not have a subscription to The Daily Prophet so I   
thought I'd send you a few clippings just to let you know some of the   
stuff going on in the wizarding world.  
============================   
A BREAKUP SOUGHT FOR WEASLEY INDUSTRIES  
  
Neville Longbottom the head of the antitrust division of the department   
of magic said today that his department was charging Weasley Industries   
with anti competitive practices. Weasley Industries is the parent   
company of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes the phenomenally successful chain   
of joke shops that has made Fred and George Weasley the two richest   
wizards in the world. The brothers opened one tiny shop in Hogsmead   
less than 5 years ago and their growth has been nothing less than   
astonishing. Today they dominate, some say monopolize, the entire joke   
industry.  
  
In a press conference today minister Longbottom said "The company has   
engaged in predatory pricing and other unfair monopolistic practices.   
Every jokester feels that having a good supply of Canary Creams and Ton   
Tongue Toffee is absolutely essential, so in it must be admitted   
brilliant marketing move, the Weasley brothers started to gave away   
Whoopee Cushions and plastic vomit with each purchase. Independent   
producers like International Whoopee Cushion and Asia Pacific Plastic   
Vomit just could not compete with a tie in with fundamental products   
that every prankster is virtually forced to buy. Their main retail   
competitor, Zonkos joke shop, tried to counter with Peanut Parrots and   
Big Tongue Gum but the Weasley's successfully sued Zonkos for patent   
infringement and Zonkos was forced to file for bankruptcy, leaving the   
brothers virtually the only remaining force in this  
  
Continued on page A6  
============================  
advertisement   
  
The musical stylings of Percy Weasley have made him the most popular   
singer of romantic ballads of his generation, now this beloved minstrel   
he has written a book of tender love poems. "It Might Be Verse" is   
available at all Flourish And Blots locations.   
============================  
continued from page 1  
  
very important sector of our economy." The ministry is trying to force   
Weasley Industries to split into two companies that would compete with   
each other. In a statement to reporters Fred Weasley said "From the   
beginning all my brother and I have tried to do is make a funny product   
that a jokester can afford. We think it's a pity minister Longbottom   
does not understand this but we look forward to proving it in a court   
of law". If a out of court settlement can not be agreed on a long and   
very complicated trial could start in about a year.  
  
=============================   
A New Malfoy Movie  
  
Actor Draco Malfoy has signed to play the title character in   
"Martin Miggs the Mad Muggle", the movie based on the first of the   
Martin Miggs series of children's books by Arabella Figg that has   
become the fastest selling book of all time. Mr. Malfoy is best known   
for his work in the 7 part historical mini series "The Harry Potter   
Story", he played the part of Dobby.   
  
Martin Miggs in the books is a little boy who can do no witchcraft but   
overcomes all sorts of exotic and fanciful dangers with nothing to help   
him but intelligence and courage. Mr. Malfoy is 23 years old but due to   
a unfortunate accident during a unsuccessful attempt to make another   
Philosopher's Stone he looks like he's about 12. The latest book in   
this controversial series is "Martin Miggs And The Tax Audit" and is   
considered by many to be too frightening for younger readers.   
Conservative wizards, including Mr. Malfoy's own father, also claim   
that by having the hero solve problems without sorcery the series   
promotes un-wizarding values and is corrupting our youth. Mr. Malfoy's   
only comment was "A job is a job".   
  
=============================   
  
A PROFESSOR RESIGNS   
  
Severus Snape the potions master at Hogwarts has resigned from that   
school so he could accept the position of Vice President Of Special   
Projects at Weasley Industries. George Weasley told The Daily Prophet  
"My brother and I have known Severus for many years and feel he can   
make a unique contribution to our management team at this important   
moment in our company's history." He did not say if this was related to   
the anti trust difficulties the company is having.   
  
  



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